Thanksgiving Teriyaki Tofu with Sweet Potatoes

24 Nov

Full disclosure: I made this dish like 2 weeks ago and I didn’t take any pictures because I hadn’t yet realized that blogging was my destiny, my quest and my calling, so what you are looking at is indeed a can of Fancy Feast. Thanksgiving Flavored Fancy Feast! This is what my cat’s having for dinner. Be jealous.

Okay, so I know you’re all out there thinking, but Megan, why would you post a Thanksgiving recipe? Aren’t vegetarians just a bunch of bloodless killjoys who want to rob me of the sensual pleasures of the flesh and impose their strict morality upon my day of hedonism and mindless consumption? The short answer is: yes, of course we are. The nuanced answer is: I don’t care what you do; I would also like to stuff my face and watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation after dinner and fall asleep on the couch. So without further ado, I present to you a delicious and simple dish that even my little brother would like.

the Ingredients

1 brick firm or extra firm tofu

1 sweet potato

teriyaki sauce

maple syrup


the Work

Preheat the oven to 350. Gut your tofu container like a fish and drain the tofu water. Try not to look at or think about the tofu water. Don’t get it on your hands. OH NO. Go take a shower.

If you’ve cooked tofu before and you feel good about it ignore the rest of this paragraph, you’re on a roll! If you haven’t, you are going to want to get serious right now. I’m serious. Look at me when I’m talking to you. Drain the tofu water and get two big plates. Press the excess tofu water out between the plates. Put something heavy on the top plate and let it hang out for a while. You might even want to wrap your tofu up in some paper towels or something to really wick the moisture out. Draining the tofu water helps you get a better texture from the cooked tofu-beast. This is my least favorite part but it’s super important. Don’t blow it!

Are you back? Okay. Cut your tofu up into cubes and put the cubes in a square glass baking dish. I think mine is like 8″x8″, not that size matters. Pour a mixture that is roughly 2/3 teriyaki sauce, 1/6 maple syrup and 1/6 Tapatio on the tofu and wiggle the pan around until all your cubes are coated. Put it in the fridge for a while. Try not to think about the carnage.

In the meantime, peel the sweet potato. Sing a merry tune and cut it into little cubes about the same size as your tofu cubes. When you’re ready, toss the sweet potato cubes in the tofu pan. Splash the sauce around. Bake at 350 for about an hour, stirring a couple of times to check on your progress. The extra sugar from the maple syrup should caramelize a little on the edges of your cubes and the Tapatio gives it little more spice. Plus, you get to look at Mr. Tapatio and his lustrous mustache while you cook. Have you ever noticed how blue his eyes are? What a dreamboat.


White Bean and Spinach Soup

23 Nov

ImageI don’t know what’s up with my body, but I went from just a little tired, no bigs, to DYING OF THE FLU in the space of 10 minutes yesterday. I’m not the type who can rest unless I’m literally on the verge of death, so I’m shaking this thing off and getting cooking. Earlier this afternoon, I took some Dayquil and wandered around Goodwill for about an hour. I bought an amazing dark blue crushed velvet catsuit for like $10. Then, I invented this recipe for a bitchin’ vegan soup that can cure what ails you if you are me and you pair this soup with plenty of fluids and get your crazy ass back to bed.

the Ingredients:

1 small onion, chopped up like crazy

9 or 10 cloves of garlic, peeled and quartered

4 stalks of celery, chopped

1 large zucchini, cubed or whatever you like

1 15 oz can of white beans

4 cups (1 container) Pacific Natural Foods Vegetable Broth

1/2 cup brown rice

1 bag of lazybrand bagged spinach

the Gameplan:

Okay, so chop the living crap out of that onion. It’s okay to cry a little. If you’re super sensitive like me, you should probs remove your eye makeup before you even start. Next, peel that garlic and quarter it up. Finish chopping your veggies and throw them in a stupid bowl or something. Open your can of beans and rinse all that slimy bean juice off of them. Pro tip: rinsing your beans now will help you fart less later. If you like farting, by all means, skip this step! Next, grab a big old cauldron and get it hot on your stove. Toss a little olive oil in your cauldron and saute the onions and garlic on a medium high heat. I like having big old bites of garlic in my soup but if you’re a wimp or a vampire or something I guess you can handle your garlic situation differently. Just know that I am silently judging you.

When the onions and garlic start looking transparent and soft and it smells like you’re cooking something, throw in the celery and zucchini and saute them for a couple minutes. Feel free to add a pinch of sea salt if you have it on hand. It sends a message to your heart that you’re not afraid of no sodium. When you feel like your veggies are about to cry out for mercy, drown them in the broth. Add in the beans and rice and bring that shizz to a boil. Once your proto-soup is boiling and covered, bring the heat down to a simmer and go do something else for a while.

Oh crap, I guess I’m stuck here for like 45 minutes to an hour, however long stupid rice takes to cook. I guess I’ll try and think of a good name for my blog. God, this is hard. I wonder if the first boy I ever kissed is on Facebook. I bet he has really bad taste in music now. Uuuugh, why can’t I find him? I hope he didn’t die. Oh balls, the rice is done!

Okay, when the rice is done, open up that bag of spinach and dump it in. Cover the pot and simmer until the spinach is cooked. Mix that spinach in and soup’s on. Cowabunga dude! For extra credit, enjoy a nice cold winter flavor Blue Moon while you’re cooking and pound half a gallon of OJ when you’re done.